It's been a long day. The boys have been sick with colds. Colds are such hard things to determine in small children. Are they really sick or just acting? It's hard to fake a fever I know but one minute they seem to be suffering the next they are running and jumping pretending they are a chicken! 

That is Zedikiah's new thing, pretending he is a chicken. He flaps his arms and lays "eggs" all pretend of course. Never mind that he's a boy and boy chicken's don't lay eggs. 
Last night while Andrew and I tried to watch a movie he brought us a duplo turtle he had made. He was so pleased with himself. I was too! It looked like a turtle. I think a new age is dawning for my boys. 

Asher keeps adding to his vocabulary. He is more active then Zedikiah and likes to move, ask "why" and "check it out" I have a hard time not getting antsy and putting things down to look him in the eye and play with him. 

Some days I feel like such a horrible mother because I don't stop what I am doing long enough to look into their eyes. There just isn't enough time. I need to make time and I have been getting better. Cutting off computer time has helped immensely. It's a hard thing to walk, doing what you need to do, doing what you want to do, and doing what you should do. I know that I am investing in life and their memory banks. Just now it feels like I am babysitting all the time and I won't see the return. I hope the return is good and worth it. 

I feel silly admitting that but I know it will be. Someday. Someday what has been unseen will be seen. I will know my sons not as children but as men and when I know them as men, adults it will be time to let them go and they will be another woman's man. 

They are so in love with me just now. Always touching, always saying they love me. I cherish these tender moments and yet other times I want to scream because I don't want to be touched anymore. It's hard for me to lay down with Asher when he always asks me to lay down with him. It's hard to still my mind and heart. I so long to be away from them at the end of the day. Unless you are a parent you don't truly know what it feels like to be so depleted. I have to remind myself that just like every other season in life it has changed and is gone. Someday Asher won't ask me to lay down with him. Some day it will be, 

"Night, Mom." 

Then what will I do? Wish I had just one more night of him asking me to lay down next to him as he fell asleep. I think I am doing a good job and yet I fight off feelings of guilt a lot. I have no reason to be guilty and every reason to be proud of myself as a Mom.